I’m just not feeling it…

This post is not to be negative or a holiday deterrent, it’s just a representation of my truth and I for one will not pretend to be okay when I’m just not. Now when I pick-up my son on Friday, will I put on a happy face and smile through it? Of course! I even made sure that we took our annual Christmas pictures despite having to improvise with a home photo-sesh due to COVID-19.

But, we have to start giving space and opportunity to process the myriad of emotions that have surfaced and have even taken up residence in the living spaces of our hearts and minds to be fair. 

I am an empath and there comes a point when you just have to call a spade a spade and stop. Stop pretending, lying, and allowing shit to build up or else you’ll go crazy. 2020 has been pure-unadulterated TRASH and I for one cannot pretend that on this Christmas Eve that I’m feeling cheery AF! Because I am not. The energy has been OFF since January and  there’s just no way to fake pleasantries about anything that has transpired this year. In fact I am feeling the exact opposite of how I should be given this time of year. Scared, sad, overwhelmed, and hopeless. But, the same way that we shouldn’t feel bad for not starting new businesses, losing an insane amount of weight, or having some life-altering revelation, like many others have touted during this pandemic, I refuse to feel bad about not feeling “Christmassy” either.

We have endured all manners of loss, grief, and death continues to be all around us. I have attempted to dawn my favorite Christmas PJs and fuzzy socks while immersing myself in feel good Christmas movies accompanied by 90’s R&B and it’s just not enough! There’s still this sinking feeling that pops up as I try to laugh through the pain. 

I guess what I’m saying is, I just don’t have the energy to fake the funk as we head into what will probably be a continuation of 2020. And trust, this isn’t to be all gloom and doom, but it’s going to take time before we can establish a new norm. We are very much still in the middle of hell regardless of what 45, MAGA country, or your TL may be telling you. I’d rather deal in truth than lie to myself or anyone else about where we’re headed. If 2020 has shown me anything, it’s that absolutely nothing is guaranteed and even if prepared, life can throw you a curveball that leaves you ill-prepared and completely tapped out in a matter of moments.

I will not waste my time creating any vision boards, writing down goals, or stating any grand resolutions. That’s folly and pre 2020. Instead, I will make an effort to set my intentions daily and live in the moment. If it makes sense and feels good I will act on it and seize the opportunities as they present themselves. I will also not pretend to be okay when I am not. With that being said, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa! Be blessed, stay safe, and cherish the time that you spend whether it be with loved ones or by yourself.

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