Image: Haunted toys jack in haunted house,3d illustration; Unsplash.com
The jack-in-the-box toy was always cringe-worthy to me and I never took a liking to playing with the damn thing. I mean whose idea was it to throw a creepy ass clown into a music-box that you had to crank to an even more creepy song only to have the life scared out of you by said clown. Besides, I am not a clown fan anyway, I grew up in a time when clowns were used as the supervillain and no amount of Barnum & Bailey was going to change the traumatizing effects of IT, Poltergeist, or Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
Unfortunately, much to my chagrin and much like that awful toy, I have lived my life like a jack-in-the-box. How? I’m glad you asked. By replaying the same negative thoughts and practicing even more negative habits and behaviors I am on constant replay. When I created this blog, it was so that I could challenge myself to overcome my ‘stinkin thinkin’ and get out of my own damn way as my counselor so eloquently puts it. We all have jacked TFAs (thoughts, feelings & actions) that originate from this hard-wired beliefs that we acquired somewhere along this life journey. Absent of a therapeutic approach to address behavioral change, we continue on our respective life paths holding on to these jacked up beliefs and behaviors. Then wonder why we feel stuck, overwhelmed, anxious, disappointed, and alone. Not realizing that we are the Beelzebub wreaking havoc on our own mental and emotional well-being, many of us never realize our dreams and goals and reach our fullest potential. By continuously littering our minds with negative juju, we resign ourselves to our own personal box of mental hell.
I legit stay in my head all f*ckin day like I don’t have nothing better to do but to continue torturing myself in these COVID-19 times. After spending a workday’s worth of time dismantling myself emotionally I head on over to the self-sabotage buffet which often leads to me gorging on limiting and jacked up beliefs about myself that I act on through disabling behaviors such as procrastination, self-doubt, inconsistency, and poor time-management. Compounded over time, it’s no wonder I often feel inadequate, lazy, or unfulfilled. As crazy as things are right now, COVID has brought a lot of things to the forefront for me. As stressful as 2020 has been (cause she has really showed her entire behind) this year has been gratifying on many levels. During coronagate, I have been promoted at work, been able to increase my emergency savings, and lend my time to other projects that I am interested in pursuing. Considering the blessings that have transpired in my life, I really shouldn’t be in my head all of the time, but I realize that I have some hard-wired beliefs that I have to shake ASAP. I’ve always known that I had a self-confidence problem, but when I tell y’all it’s Michael Jackson Bad (this was a good album click the link to listen).
While I haven’t quite figured out how to pivot, I am committed to figuring it out because honestly, my life depends on it. I no longer have the resolve to settle for less than. How many of you can relate? Does some of this resonate with you? If so, PLEASE take the time to do the work and get out of your own damn head. Now you may be asking what the work looks like. It’s different for all of us. For me, I began counseling at the end of 2018 and have only recently picked up journal-ing and self-reflection. Some of you may want to join a support group, get a counselor or life-coach, exercise, meditate, hiatus or whatever. I just want you to do it. If we don’t do the work, we will find ourselves repeating the same shitty behaviors and looking like a clown every time we pop out of the box.