It’s 6:46 AM. I’m up, crying, saddened with a heavy heart and clenched cheeks. My stress has already consumed me and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. The sun hasn’t risen so I can hide for a little longer. My mind is racing. I’m thinking about everything. A worrier by nature, I just can’t stop thinking about things. Most of which I have no control over.
This time of the morning is typically when I get most of my ideas and I have the most clarity but today I’m frustrated. Already knowing the why behind my answer, my jaws clench up more. It’s funny how our bodies react to stress and the manifestation of it in our bodies. I lay here and wonder how things got so bad.
My biggest fear is being me. Notice I didn’t just say me, because she doesn’t quite yet know who me is; I won’t allow me to exist. Being is a state of existing, living, moving, and breathing right now. Ha! Let me tell you something, worriers don’t do that. I am often consumed with shit that already happened or trying to plan for whatever is on the horizon. Obviously if I’m always hanging out in the past and the future, there is NO way for me to just be present.
So now as the sun starts to come out and make it’s daily debut, I feel the need to abruptly stop telling you about me. It’s time for she to put on her show. Me has retreated, leaving she behind to face today. My breathing has become more shallow and I can see my chest rising more rapidly with each breath. I’ve adjusted myself in the bed now and taken a couple of deep breaths. The tears that had subsided were stinging my eyes again in another attempt to come out. I’m anxious AF.
The daily frustration of toggling between the past and the future has taken a toll on me. It’s imperative that she allows me to show up and exist but, she does such a good job. In my mind I’m better than she, but I won’t let me be great. Unfortunately the worrier in me is too afraid to worry about today. Damn the irony. At least she shows up everyday. Can I even depend on me? Perhaps one day it will be okay for me to really show who I am.
Oh well, it’s 7:18 AM and she needs to get ready for the day.